Crackfics are Fun!
by Sen Graham
Summary: In which Hanatarou chokes, Renji panics, and Byakuya is a jerk.
1. Chapter 1

_Crackfics are Fun!_

_Welcome to the wonderful crackficery of Zin and Sen! Well, by Sen at any rate, but Zin was heavily involved! Zin and I got together and came up with a bunch of crack prompts and we both have eleven fics to write. These are the ones I got. Enjoy!_

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Prompt one: Gin wakes up and realizes he is trapped in Yumichika's closet.

He had gotten Kira drunk that night, and Kira was a very mean drunk. Ichimaru Gin had thought it would be fun to get his timid fuku-taicho a little tipsy, just to see what would happen. It was much more fun than doing paperwork this late at night anyhow. He had been having fun as he watched little Izuru become more bossy and confident, until it happened.

It started innocently enough. Poor drunken Kira decided that they had enough drinking and Gin should do some work. Gin refused as he pulled out another bottle of sake, and Kira hit him in the shoulder. Hard! The foxy taicho tried to calm the lieutenant down, but the drunk would not listen. Instead, he pulled out a zanpaku-to.

"Y'know. I dun like yer tone…" slurred Kira. Gin decided that perhaps he had given Kira a little too much to drink, and perhaps he ought to leave. He would ditch Kira, then come back and watch someone else try to subdue him. That could be fun. Of course, his now inebriated fuku-taicho was very good at sensing spiritual pressure, so he would have to find a pretty damn good hiding place. It had to be a place with an overwhelming amount of spiritual pressure. Enough to mask that of a Captain…

The eleventh division barracks! It would be perfect! There would be plenty of strong shinigami letting their reiatsu run wild, and he could watch Kira try to take on a bunch of thugs. It would be the perfect thing to cure his boredom. He could have taken down Kira himself, but he wanted others to have a little fun too. Keeping it all to himself would be selfish, and that would never do. Gin half ran, and half pranced, just to annoy a certain drunk, as Kira gave chase.

"Get back 'ere an do yer work!" yelled Kira.

"Only if you can catch me Izuru-kun!" Gin sang over his shoulder.

Losing Kira was easy. He just had to zigzag a few times and use a little shunpo. Now he would find a hiding place, wait for the sound of the usually meek Kira beating up some Yankees, and then come out and watch the show. Now to find that hiding place! Gin skulked through the dark hallways and slipped inside a random door. He smiled even more broadly then before. This person was so nice, leaving their room open just for him to hide in it.

Gin quietly shut the door, noticing that his benefactor was laying asleep in his bed. The mischievous Captain was tempted to wake him up, just to see what would happen, but decided against it. He would probably be woken up when Kira came tearing down the halls looking for his work shirking taicho. He was curious though, who was this kind soul who had left the door open?

Very carefully he lifted one of the blankets wrapped around the sleeping form. Ah, it was fifth-seat-squad-eleven-san. He had quite a long name, so Gin usually called him Aya-kun. He maliciously watched the sleeping man and hoped he did not wake easily. Perhaps when he was done watching Kira beating up thugs, he would come back and draw a little on Aya-kun's face. It was really sweet of him to leave his door open like that, but he really ought to have kept it locked. Gin had to teach him this little lesson, for his own good. He smiled at the pretty face and wondered what it would look like all covered in ink and in a psychotic rage.

But not now, now he had to find his hiding place. The bed was actually a futon, so it was no good hiding under there. He could crouch down beside the vanity table, but it was not the best place to hide. He toyed with the idea of crawling in bed with Aya-kun and hiding under the blankets. It could be fun, but he would risk having the fifth seat waking up and handing him over to Kira. That would spoil everything. Then he saw it.

The closet! Of course! It was so cliché nobody would even think of looking for him there. In a flash, he was inside the closet and shut the door tightly. Then he waited.

Kira certainly was taking a long time, but it gave Gin time to observe his surroundings. He could not see a thing, but he could feel the fabrics all around him. He was crouched in the back corner, close to what felt like a yukata. All of the clothes were so soft and smelled like lavender soaps. It was probably a fabric softener; Aya-kun must have thought stiff, rough clothes were ugly or something. He was so fun and OCD like that.

He waited with a frown starting to settle on his face. This was getting boring. Perhaps he could try having a little nap. Yes, a nap would do him some good. After all he had stayed up very late avoiding work, and delegating tasks to his underlings. He certainly deserved to have a quick snooze. And so, that was what he did.

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Gin awoke the next morning to the scent of lavender and near darkness. A small amount of light crept into this strange place revealing purple and black fabrics. That was right, he was in Aya-kun's closet. But that meant he had missed Kira…oh well! Now he could visit him and make fun of his no doubt massive hangover. There was still the prospect of doodling on a certain narcissist's face. Indeed, there was still plenty of fun to be had. All he had to do was get out of the closet and continue him play.

The fox faced man tugged on the door. Then he tugged it again, and again, and again. It would seem the door was stuck. As Gin continued to try to grip the door and pull at it, he failed to notice dainty, bare feet softy padding their way towards him, as well as a slight, tenor yawn. Gin glared at the door and resolved to try one more time. He reached out towards it, and the door opened on its own.

Sealed eyes looked up and say Ayasegawa Yumichika, in all his morning disheveled glory. His hair was a little messy, and his night robe hung loosely off his slim shoulders. His eyes were only half open as he groped about for his shihakusho while mumbling something to himself. 'He hasn't noticed me,' thought Gin, 'That won't do at all.'

"Good morning Aya-kun," called Gin brightly.

That certainly woke up the pretty shinigami. He yelped and jumped away from the closet. Gin got up and stretched, his joints cracking from a stiff night in the closet.

"I-Ichimaru-Taicho! Wha…What were you doing in my closet!?" demanded Yumichika. Gin smiled, noticing that pretty man had drawn his zanpaku-to. How typical of an eleventh-division-san.

"Best put that away Aya-kun, ya can be arrested for raisin' yer blade to a Captain," suggested Gin, "And we both know what happens to pretty boys like ya in prison."

"Get out!" yelled Yumichika, pointing to the door.

"Oh don't get me wrong! I'm sure ya'd make a perfectly lovely girlfriend for a very lucky convict," smiled the fox.

"Out!" repeated the fifth seat.

"First I have to teach ya some manners. I should have blown the whistle on ya quite a few times already," sighed Gin.

"I'm sure under the circumstances my actions were perfectly acceptable," snapped Yumichika, sliding Fuji Kujaku back into his sheath and placing him against the wall. "Now get out."

"See? That's what I'm talking about! If ya had turned yer back on any other Captain or tried to order one around, ya'd get in trouble. That ain't good Aya-kun," warned Gin, "Yep, I'm not leaving 'till ya learn some good manners. Don't worry, Ichimaru-sensei will make learning fun!"

Yumichika growled and tugged his very loose robe more tightly around his small frame. Why him? Perhaps this was karma's way of getting back at him for being so beautiful. Gin looked Yumichika over and began his 'lesson.'

"For starters, when a Captain says 'good morning' to ya, ya say good morning back," said Gin gently, "Let's try again. Good morning Aya-kun."

"Good morning Ichimaru-Taicho," seethed the irritated beauty.

"Was that so hard? Now, when you wanna ask yer superior a question, ya can't point a sword at him. Try asking again please," smiled the Captain.

"Ichimaru-Taicho, why were you in my closet?" asked Yumichika, doing his best not to grit his teeth.

"There. If ya'd said it that way, I'd have told ya I was hiding from Kira. He got a little drunk and was being mean to me," said Gin, sheepishly scratching the back of his neck.

"Really? Then I would have said, 'I don't give a damn, now please do get your ugly ass out of my room!" snapped the pretty shinigami.

"Oh Aya-kun! Such deplorable manners!" cried Gin in false dismay, "Why so upset Aya-kun? Is it because I was in yer space or because I get to see ya'll messy with bedhead and in yer night robe?"

"Out!" yelled Yumichika, blushing red, "Get out you stupid annoying bastard!"

"Don't worry, yer still very pretty. In fact, ya look better like this," smiled the soon to be traitor Captain.

His smile broadened as Yumichika hesitantly turned away to look in the mirror. "You…you think so?"

"Sure," shrugged Gin, "Ya look much more natural, and white is a good colour for ya. It's so pure and innocent, and it has a nice contrast with yer hair."

"Really?" asked the fifth seat, taking in Gin's praise and examining himself. Gin crept behind him and snaked an arm around his waist.

"Now, I'll forgive ya for tryin' to stab me, you'll forgive me for breaking in, and we'll never tell anyone this happened," ordered Gin firmly, "It's in both out best interests really." Poor Aya-kun, so easily manipulated. All it took was some teasing, some compliments, a little abuse of his rank and a pinch of logic, then the pretty boy was like putty in his hands.

"I guess I can't afford to be arrested for insubordination," said Yumichika smoothing his hair, and shooing Gin away "And my reputation would be tarnished if someone found out you slept over in my room. Someone would definitely take that the wrong way."

"Indeed," smiled Gin, "Then we're in agreement?"

Yumichika smiled coyly and opened his window to let in the crisp morning air. "Hm, I'll think about it," he said playfully, "But honestly, I think I'm much prettier with I'm fully dressed. So perhaps you should leave so I can change."

Gin shrugged. He had nothing better to do. Playing with Aya-kun and feeding his ego was much more fun then paperwork. Though he would have to make this quick, he still wanted to torment his hung over subordinate.

"Oh no, I like this much better. I find those silly accessories of yours distract from you're natural beauty," Gin continued, not taking the hint.

"Silly hm," frowned Yumichika, "I guess the feathers are a bit much…But, Ichimaru-Taicho with all do respect you're making me uncomfortable. I would really like it if you left now."

"Definitely. Aya-kun has such pretty eyes too," chirped Gin. He frowned at the statement that followed the little elipsis, "But I like watching ya. How can I admire your radiant beauty if ya kick me out!?"

He was lying. Gin didn't care what the vain, questionably male shinigami looked like. But watching him pose and twirl in front of the mirror and believing his words was sort of fun. Rangiku didn't even spend this much time preening. It was amusing to think this pretty little peacock was in the thug squad. Suddenly he stopped his happy wiggling and twirling and looked out the window. "Ichimaru-Taicho? Is that…Kira-fuku-taicho in his underwear out there?"

Gin perked up. Rangiku had told him this happened on occasion, but he had never seen it for himself. He looked out the open window and scanned the area for his half naked fuku-taicho.

With a very pretty grunt, and a shove Gin found himself tumbling from the third floor window down into the practice courts below. As his head hit the pavement he heard an angelic tenor voice from above scream, "AND STAY OUT!"

* * *

"I suppose you know why you're here Fruitcake," grumbled Zaraki Kenpachi.

Yumichika looked down at his feet and braced himself as he stood alone in his Captain's office. Of course he knew why he was here. He had shoved a Captain out a window. The pretty shinigami had already tried to explain that Gin had broken into his room, hid himself overnight in his closet, refused to leave in the morning and had been harassing him, but with the silver haired man in intensive care, Yumichika did not really look like the victim in this situation. He was about to be punished, he knew it.

"Old man Yama said I have to come up with a punishment for ya," said the large spiky haired man, "I've got one all picked out, and Cue ball's gonna play witness to make sure you follow through with it."

"Yes Taicho," mumbled Yumichika.

Kenpachi reached under his desk to get something.

'Is he going to flog me?' Yumichika thought in a panic. 'No, I'm too pretty to be flogged! Or, is he going to make me wear something embarrassing? Damn, I knew I shouldn't have done that but…he wouldn't leave and dear god he broke in and slept in my closet! I had every right to force him out! I guess I could have used the door, but I don't think I deserve this…"

Kenpachi then produced a giant gourd of sake. Yumichika stopped his inner monologue and stared at it in shock.

"Well Fruitcake, your punishment is to drink this sake," said Kenpachi smirking, "I held back this time, but if I ever hear you managed to throw a Captain and knock him out again, I won't be so compassionate."

Yumichika blinked, "So, you want me, to drink this, with Ikkaku. That's my punishment?"

"Don't make me repeat myself you retarded fruit! Now get out of my office before I throw you out a window!" snapped Kenpachi.

The pretty shinigami beamed and sparkled as he saluted smartly, "Yes Taicho, I accept your punishment!"

Meanwhile, Gin had finally woken up. One might think he was upset, but no, he was not.

"Oh Izuru-kun! I'm so weak and injured! You're going to have to feed me my persimmons," whined the fox loudly.

"N-not so loud Taicho," whispered Kira pulling knife and slicing some fruit to feed his Captain.

Gin smiled. He would have to thank Yumichika for this! He got to harass hungover Kira, was exempt from any meetings and paperwork, and he got all the persimmons he wanted! Not to mention when Kira left he had Rangiku there to be his nurse. Of course he did not appreciate being shoved out a window, but he could have his revenge later. In the meantime, he was enjoying pure, boredom free bliss.

And they all lived happily ever after. Especially Ikkaku, who was not involved in any way, but still managed to get free sake.

The End.

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_Well, there you have it. I'm open to suggestions for crackfics, but if there is a prompt form Zin that you want to see written, please go vote for it in my profile. _


	2. Chapter 2

Crackfics are Fun!

Welcome back to the crackficery of Zin and Sen! I see you've survived the first round of crack. Lucky you! Your prize for surviving is…more crack! Enjoy!

Prompt Two: Renji rushes Hanatarou to Squad Four's hospital thing because Hanatarou swallowed a paperclip.

"So do we make him eat dirt, or give him a swirly?"

"No, let's give him a wedgy!"

"Ugh, we gave him a wedgy last week."

"Oh let's just beat him and then go drinking!"

Welcome to an average day in the life of Yamada Hanatarou. This morning he got up, brushed his hair and teeth, got dressed, put on his most confident smile and headed off to work. He had a busy day, beginning with sweeping up the prison cells, then he had to deliver some supplies to the Eleventh Division. They always beat him up, but today would be different! Today he would sneak in quick, drop off the large box of bandages and run.

Or…so he thought.

Hanatarou was going to sneak in! He honestly was, but then he kind of sort of tripped over a randomly placed pile of pots and pans, slipped on a trip wire and fell face first into a pie.(It's cannon people!) 'Yachiru Fukutaicho must have forgotten to clean up,' thought Hanatarou, just before thinking, 'Well, here we go again…'

It did not take long for the generic thugs of the Eleventh Division to hear the commotion and commence their little ritual. First they asked what he was doing here, to which Hanatarou always answered honestly, and backed away slowly. Inevitably he backed up into a thug, who glared down at him and shoved him to the thug across from him, who in turn shoved him into yet another thug. After a round of Hana-hot-potato, they practiced their head locks on him. Once they had all had a turn, the biggest one of the group sat on him until they decided what to do next.

This was where things got interesting, in a scary way. The thugs would then deliberate, debate and discuss what course of action to take next. Hanatarou shook with fear, as horrifying suggestion after horrifying suggestion was made.

"We've done all that before! Let's try something new!"

"N-no!" squeaked Hanatarou as he squirmed under the large man's buttocks, "P-please, l-let me go!"

"Heh heh, that got him squirming again. So what should we do to him?"

"Let's make him eat dirt!"

"You said that already you moron!"

"How about the purple nerple? Have we tried that yet?"

The thugs paused for a moment, reflecting thoughtfully as Hanatarou wondered what on earth a 'nerple' was. "Nope, I don't think we've done that yet. Hey flower boy! We've got something new for you!"

The large thug got off of him and Hanatarou tried to make a run for it. He whimpered and begged for mercy as another thug caught his arm and dragged him back. The poor medic blushed bright pink for embarrassment and the cold as his shirt was opened and yanked down to reveal his small, skinny chest. He struggled and pleaded the thug behind him holding his arms to let go as another lightly touched his pink nipples.

"P-please, let go!" begged Hanatarou, "What did I ever do to you!?"

"Well to be honest, you're whole squad pisses us off, and we're bored. Nothing personal kid," smiled the thug who was currently holding his arms, "Do it!"

Hanatarou cringed as the thugs around him began to chant 'do it' to the one touching his chest. He continued to squirm and squeak as the tension built and finally climaxed. The medic let out an undignified, high pitched squeal as his nipples were roughly grabbed and twisted. His skin, unused to being twisted like that burned in pain until he was released. The boy looked down and saw to red splotches on his chest slowly turn purple.

Hanatarou panted as tears filled his eyes. Why did they always pick on him? He never did anything to them, and he certainly did not deserve this. He pulled his shirt back up, just in time to be grabbed by his jaw length hair.

"I still wanna make him eat something, he's looking kinda thin," sneered the one grasping his hair.

"No! That's enough! Stop it!" yelled Hanatarou as he thrashed about.

"You gonna make me stop?" asked the thug. Hanatarou stopped thrashing and sobbed. Satisfied the thug continued, "What have you guys got?"

"Dirt?"

"No more dirt!" It seemed both the thugs and Hanatarou were in agreement on that.

"I've got a paperclip," shrugged one of the thugs.

The thugs thought it over, and before Hanatarou knew it, his mouth was being pried open and a small metal clip was pushed path his lips. In a flash his mouth was clamped shut and his nose was plugged.

"What do you think you're doing!?" yelled an angry voice.

In a blur of crimson and intricate tattoos all five of the thugs were knocked on their rears and Hanatarou felt himself being held protectively by strong arms.

"You think that's funny!?" snarled the boy's protector, "How about I grab Madarame, Ayasegawa, Tetsuzaemon, Rukia and Ichigo and kick the crap out of your asses!?! How'd ya like that!?"

The thugs scattered and Hanatarou turned to look at his protector and gasped. It was Renji, but that was not why he gasped as his face turned red. The crimsoned haired lieutenant smiled and ruffled his hair.

"It's okay Hanatarou, just don't let them catch you again," smiled Renji.

Hanatarou opened his mouth, but Renji stopped him.

"No need to thank me, I just can't stand people beating up on those weaker than them," reassured the red head, "Just make sure you report them this time."

Hanatarou opened his mouth and coughed.

"It's okay kid, just take a breather and calm down. They won't hurt you while I'm around," soothed Renji.

It was then that Renji noticed the curious shade of blue the boy was turning, and how his hands were clutching his throat. It was then that Renji understood.

"Oh shit! You're choking!" yelped Renji. Hanatarou nodded and gasped for air.

"Oh shit, oh shit…Help! Medic!" cried the lieutenant, scooping up the choking victim and trying to figure out what to do whilst running around the room. Where did you take a choking victim? How did he get the thing out of his throat? Renji continued to run and make a scene through the eleventh division. Finally he ran into Ikkaku.

"Ikkaku!" yelled Renji, "One of your division's maggots made Hanatarou swallow something and now he's choking on it!"

"You saying it's my fault!?" snapped Ikkaku.

"No! Look, we have to do something!" panicked Renji.

"Why the hell did you come to me? I don't know how stop someone from choking!" yelled Ikkaku.

Just then Yumichika strode around the corner. He smiled and sauntered over to the choking medic. "Nice shade of vermillion Hanatarou-chan. It brings out your eyes."

"Oh dammit he's purple now!" cried Renji, "Ayasegawa, do something!"

"What do you suggest I do? I'm not a medic," he huffed, "Oh what a lovely violet!"

"Dammit!" yelled Renji. He grabbed Hanatarou and started running again.

After a few more minutes of running and screaming (on Renji's part) and gasping (that would be Hanatarou) the red head crashed into Rukia.

"Renji! What the hell!?" growled Rukia.

"Rukia, you've got to help! Hanatarou's choking!" exclaimed Renji.

"Okay, don't panic, all we have to do is make him stand on his head and drink a glass of water," instructed Rukia.

"Really? That's great Hana, we'll have you breathing with ease in no time," smiled Renji.

Hanatarou simply gasped, whilst clutching his throat and shaking his head 'no'.

Rukia held the water to the medic's lips while Renji held the boy up by his feet. After about ten minutes of spluttering, Renji was starting to think this was not working. He glanced uneasily downward.

"Uh, Rukia, is he still supposed to be purple?" asked Renji.

"He hasn't drank any of it, he keeps coughing!" grumbled Rukia.

"What are you three doing?" demanded a stoic, icy voice.

Rukia and Renji turned to see the ever stoic ice block that was Kuchiki Byakuya. They stood stunned as the noble looked over the three, who were acting like a bunch of stooges. Renji mimicked a fish gasping for air as he racked his brain for words that would explain their situation. Thankfully, Rukia spoke first.

"Hanatarou's choking and we're trying to fix him," explained Rukia.

"That appears to be the cure for hiccups Rukia," said the ice block, er, Byakuya, "It appears that you commoners lack wisdom."

Renji growled as he flipped Hanatarou right side up again. "It was Rukia's idea!"

"Do you dare blame a noble?" he asked coldly.

"Oh that's it! What would you have done taicho!? I suppose you're an expert on this sort thing!" ranted Renji.

"I would have brought him to the fourth division barracks, like a sane person," said the chilly noble, stressing the word sane.

Renji blinked and cursed himself. Why? Dear gods why had he not thought of that. He glared at Rukia who shrugged. He growled and swore and took off with Hanatarou in his arms. Byakuya stared after them and had he not been so stoic, probably would have shook his head.

Renji raced down the streets of Seireitei, Hanatarou choking and spluttering. 'Hang in there Hanatarou' Renji thought, too out of breath to say it out loud. Hanatarou continued to gasp and turn a darker shade of purple as his eyes became bloodshot. The redhead barrelled through the doors of the infirmary, over some unfortunate fourth divisioners, and straight to Unohana-Taicho's office.

"Unohana...eleventh...Rukia...hiccups...dumb bastard...choking..." Renji gasped, completely out of breath.

Unohana looked up and blinked. It was not every day that Abarai-fukutaicho came bursting in the door with one of her subordinates in his arms spluttering incoherantly. However, the shade of violet creeping onto Hanatarou's face told the vital parts of the story.

"Set him down," ordered Unhoana firmly, her gentle smile vacant for the moment. Renji did as he was told and set a shaky Hanatarou on his trembling feet. Unohana dragged the boy to a chair and forced him to bend over it. Then with a sound that made Renji cringe, she trust her palm into his back. Hanatarou coughed louder as his Captain continued to pound on his back. Finally a small silver object flew out of Hanatarou's mouth and across the room. Unohana rubbed his back gently as the medic gasped in the sweet, sweet air.

"He'll be fine. Thank you for bringing him to me Abarai-kun," said Unohaha, smiling once again.

"No need to thank me...really," sighed Renji, scratching the back of his head. There really was nothing to be thanked for, he had probaby tortured the poor kid more than the thugs from the eleventh.

"Of course I have to thank you!" exclaimed Hanatarou, stumbling to his feet, "You saved my life Abarai-fukutaicho!"

"Um, in case you hadn't noticed, I nearly killed you several timed in the process," the redhead pointed out.

"Well, uh, it's the thought that counts right?" shrugged Hanatarou, "And I didn't die so, everything's okay."

Renji looked down at the boy sheepishly. Why did he have to be so nice about the whole thing? Now knowing that he had accidently hurt such a sweet kid just made him feel worse. "I'll just go...do...stuff..." muttered Renji.

Hanatarou shuffled closer and grabbed Renji's arm, "I'm sorry I caused you trouble..."

Renji turned around, "I think you have it backwards, I...never mind, just don't let them do that to you again!"

"I'll do my best!" chirped Hanatarou, rushing out of the office to go back to work, "Thank you Abarai-fukutaicho!"

With that said, the boy tripped over his feet face first into a wall. And thus ends a typical day in the life of Yamada Hanatarou.

The End?

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_Requests will be taken! Crack wins forever!_


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